Slow Down, You Crazy Child
by prettyfreakinsweet
Summary: "Sebastian is not going to be the sleazy not-an-uncle that makes inappropriate comments all the time." Kurt was adamant, and yet... A few years in the life of Kurt and Blaine, their daughter, and Uncle Sebby. One shot. Future!fic. AU only because Sebastian never almost blinded Blaine.


**Hey, I decided I'm going to slowly post my favourite fics I wrote for tumblr onto here. I just really like feedback. Anyway, here's this. I don't like babies or children so I don't know how this happened, but for some reason I do like writing Sebastian, so maybe that explains it.**

**Title from the song Vienna by Billy Joel.**

**Enjoy!**

Kurt slid their baby out of Blaine's arms carefully, smiling down at their little bundle of joy.

"Ugh, I'm so glad I married you," he laughed quietly.

"And why's that?" Blaine asked, unable to keep grin off his face at the sight of Kurt holding their child.

"You're like the baby whisperer," he answered as Blaine checked his phone buzzing in his pocket. Kurt went to put her down for her nap as Blaine quickly shot off a reply text. "She just goes straight to sleep when you hold her, even when she's fussy. It's like _magic_."

Blaine chuckled and wrapped his arms around Kurt, hooking his chin over his shoulder as they both watched Sophie slumber peacefully in her crib.

"I just sing to her," he murmured. "It's not a big deal."

"We need to record you and sell CDs. We could make _millions_ off of tired parents."

"Well, we can talk to Sebastian about a record deal," he replied dryly. "He's coming over in a few hours."

Kurt stiffened in his arms. "He most certainly is not."

"Kurt, he's the only one of our friends who hasn't met Sophie yet," he sighed.

"That's because he showed up drunk to the baby shower," he replied in an unimpressed tone.

"He wasn't _drunk_, he was hung over."

"And that's better how?"

Sophie whimpered softly in her sleep and they both peered over the side of the crib worriedly.

"Shh, it's okay, sweetie," Blaine hummed. He reached down, fingers softly brushing over the dark hair topping her head.

She quieted and Kurt raised an eyebrow at him. "See? Magic."

Blaine rolled his eyes and kissed him softly.

"Sebastian's still not coming to see the baby," Kurt whispered against his lips.

"Kurt-"

He grabbed his hand and tugged him out of the nursery, snatching up the baby monitor on the way out. "I don't want to fight in front of her," he explained once they'd settled in the living room.

"We're not fighting."

"And Sebastian is not coming over. He's not going to be the sleazy not-an-uncle that makes inappropriate comments all the time. She already has Cooper."

"Who adores her," Blaine reminded him with a smile. "And Seb's not _sleazy-_"

"Blaine. He flat-out admitted that he only signs attractive young men," Kurt replied.

"Well, yeah that's bad, but it's what the music industry-"

"He's slept with half his clients," he cut in.

Blaine scratched the side of his head, not having a defense to that one. "But he really wants to see her. He lives in California, and he's only in New York for a few weeks." Kurt still looked unconvinced. "We adopted her a year ago Kurt, and he still hasn't met her."

"Because he's been screwing underage recording artists on the other side of the country."

"It's not going to hurt anyone if he meets her _once_," Blaine insisted. "He'll be one of those random family friends she can't even remember ever meeting."

Kurt crossed his arms and glared at the ceiling before sighing. "Well I'm not making dinner for him when he shows up."

Blaine grinned, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. "I'll tell him to bring pizza."

A few hours later, Sebastian Smythe strolled into their house, two large pizzas in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.

"Hey, Killer," he grinned at Blaine. "Still alive, I see?"

"And never better," he replied, taking the pizzas from him and leading him to the dining room.

"Sebastian," Kurt greeted curtly. He'd just finished setting the table.

He smirked in reply, holding out the bottle of red wine. "For the lady."

Kurt took the wine, smiling insincerely. "Why the sudden interest in visiting, if I may ask? You've been in town a week already, right?"

"Well as important as the two of you are to my life," he began, voice dripping with sarcasm. Kurt shot Blaine a look and he shrugged. "I actually had a bit of business to attend to first. Which leaves me with big news to tell you."

Kurt narrowed his eyes. "I thought you wanted to see the baby."

He waved his hand disinterestedly. "I'm sure I'll have plenty of chances to see it."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

He grinned slyly. "Well, I was going to wait until after we ate, but I honestly can't wait to see your face." Despite this claim, he still halted for a moment, allowing the tension build. "I'm moving to New York! Just a few blocks away from here. So you'll be seeing a lot more of me."

Kurt's jaw dropped in disbelief.

And then the baby monitor on his hip started emitting Sophie's cries.

It was almost like she knew.

**- Seven Years Later -**

If Sebastian hadn't been walking past his front door at the time, he wouldn't have heard the timid tapping from the other side.

He opened the door, annoyed when he didn't see anyone. Damned kids.

Then something wrapped itself around his legs, and he looked down to see the top of a small, dark head.

"Sophie?" he said in confusion. She was the only child he knew since he'd been one himself, but he still didn't consider himself very 'close' to her, even though he'd actually seen her grow from a useless potato in a blanket to a knee-high noise maker.

"Uncle Sebby!"

That's when he noticed she was crying into his track pants.

"Where the hell are Kurt and Blaine?"

Her little arms just squeezed around his knees tighter.

"Sophie. Soph- ugh." He bent over awkwardly at the waist because he couldn't crouch down to catch her eye from the way she was wrapped around him. "Where are Daddy and Papa?"

"A- at home," she hiccupped, eyes red and round nose watering.

"What do you mean? How did you get here?" He bit back the more important question of '_What_ are you doing here?' because that might seem mean and he didn't want her crying even more.

"'Took a bus," she sniffled. She wiped her wet cheek against Sebastian's pants and he grimaced.

"Who the f- hell let you on a bus?" he grumbled, hiking her onto his hip and shutting the door. She buried her head against his shoulder as he carried her to the kitchen. He settled her onto the counter, her tiny, fashionable boots knocking against the cabinets below.

She was still pouting as Sebastian ripped off a paper towel and wiped her face of tears and snot.

"Ugh," he muttered, tossing it away before turning back to her. She was a little lower than his eye level, but it was better than squatting on the floor to talk to her. "Sophie. Do Blaine and Kurt know where you are?"

She slowly shook her head, lower lip trembling.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, intent on calling them immediately.

"Don't c-call them. I'm running a-w-way," she said, still distraught.

"_Why_?" he asked incredulously, scrolling through his contacts for their number.

She wiped her nose with the sleeve of her shirt, and Sebastian knew Kurt would end up blaming him for that crime against clothes. "I'm adopted," she admitted in a hushed voice.

He waited a beat for her to continue, but when she didn't he shrugged. "And?"

"_And_?" she repeated, eyes wide. She may not be related to either of them, but she somehow picked up on both Blaine and Kurt's flair for dramatics. "I'm _adopted_," she said again, like he was an idiot for not understanding.

At least she wasn't crying anymore.

"Do you know what that means?" he asked, wondering if she'd made a mistake in comprehension somewhere along the line. Apparently, children tended to do that a lot.

"It means they're not my parents!" she exclaimed.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," he snapped back. "Who is raising you? Who loves you? Who goes to see your crappy school plays?"

"But Uncle Sebby-" she started to whine.

"Who is probably having a heart attack right now because they don't know where you are?" he continued, finally calling Kurt and Blaine's house.

He rolled his eyes. _Children_. So ridiculous.

"What?" Kurt's tense voice answered.

"I have a munchkin of yours," Sebastian sighed even as Sophie vehemently shook her head.

"_You have Sophie?_" he shouted, nearly deafening him.

"Oh my god," he groaned, pulling the phone away from his ear.

"Is that Papa?" Sophie asked quietly.

"I know no one else in the _world_ that can be that shrill," he replied, tentatively raising the phone back to his ear.

"-swear to god Sebastian, if you kidnapped our daughter, I will skin you _alive_."

"What the hell am I gonna do with a kid?" he interrupted. "She showed up at my door. I was being considerate and informing you of her well-being before you called the FBI."

"Give her the phone," he demanded.

Sebastian held his phone out to Sophie. She stared at it like it was a rabid ferret. "Can I talk to Daddy instead?" she asked Sebastian.

"She wants to talk to Blaine," he told Kurt.

"Quit dicking around, give her the phone!"

"Sophie, he wants to talk to you," he insisted.

"He's gonna be mad!" she argued. She started gulping down large breaths of air. "If he gets mad he'll send me back!"

"What are you _talking_ about?"

"Th- they'll send me ba-ha-hack," she sobbed.

"Shit," he swore under his breath, awkwardly patting her arm in an attempt to comfort her.

"_Sebastian_!" Kurt shouted from the phone.

"Can you just come get her please? I don't own any children for a _reason_, and it's not just because I can't understand what they're saying half the time."

"Sebastian, put her on the phone or so help me-"

"See you soon!" He ended the call and stared at Sophie's red, bawling face the way a zookeeper might look at an injured bear when contemplating on how to approach it. "Sophie… Sophie Anderson-Hummel. That's your name, see? They can't send you back."

She just continued crying. It was gross and distracting.

"Ughhhh," he groaned, tilting his head back in distress. He spun around and dug through his freezer, grabbed a spoon, and then stuck a spoonful of chocolate ice cream into her wailing mouth.

Her eyes widened, and she sucked on the icy treat, so surprised that she'd stopped crying.

"Oh thank god," he sighed. "Okay, Sophie? I'm going to tell you some things, but you have to promise not to tell your parents I said them, okay?"

"I don't have par-"

He flicked her on the nose to shut her up. "Your Papa and your Daddy are your parents. There's more to family than actually being related to them. You are their favourite thing in the _world_. And they would rather cut off their own co- arms," he caught himself just in time, "than get rid of you. Got that?"

She nodded but she still looked unsure. "Can I have some more ice cream?"

He handed her the carton of Haagen Dazs, and she held it carefully on her lap. The small carton still looked cartoonishly big between her small hands. She dug into the ice cream, sticking the spoon into her mouth before going in for more. "Papa's coming to get me?" she asked after a few bites.

Sebastian nodded. "And I assume Blaine, too."

She looked into the contents of the ice cream, looking far more worried than any eight year old had any right to be.

"They're not going to send you back," he repeated. Where do children even _get_ these stupid ideas?

"How do you know?" she challenged sadly.

He hopped onto the counter beside her and she cuddled into his side. He reluctantly placed his arm around her shoulders.

"You're not gonna tell them I said this stuff, right?" he asked cautiously.

"Why can't I?"

"Because it's… _nice_," he spat the word like poison.

She giggled at the face he made. "I thought you were supposed to say nice things?"

"Most people. Not me. That's why your Papa doesn't like me much."

"He tried to get me to sign a pe-pedia-pedi-tition to keep you out of the house," she nodded.

"I'm not surprised. But the thing is, Sophie… Your parents are the most loving people I've ever met." He barely held back a shudder at speaking about Kurt in anything less than insulting terms. "They have such big hearts, and care about things so intensely, it actually kind of makes me sick."

She gave him a funny look, not understanding.

"It's a good thing for you, I promise. I'm just allergic to nice things," he clarified. He took a second to figure out how to put things in terms a child could understand. "The point is, they worked _so_ hard to get you. When men and women are married, it usually isn't very difficult to have a kid of their own. They just kind of pop up out of nowhere. But if two men, or you know, two women, want to get a kid, it's a whole big deal and it takes a way longer time and it's just super difficult. Blaine and Kurt fought so hard for you. They waited for years for a possible kid, and then that fell through. So they waited even longer and eventually they found you. And they love you more than _anything_."

"Really?"

He nodded. "Kurt loves you more than his whole wardrobe. And Blaine loves you more than all his godforsaken hair gel." He took a second to pull her hair away from her sticky mouth and smiled down at her enraptured face. "You know the first time I met you, you were just a tiny, wailing thing. Kurt brought you down to the dining room, and I tried to feed you pizza, and he yelled at me. Then they talked about you for hours. They told me all the things you'd done since you were born- which honestly wasn't much because you were _baby_, you couldn't even walk yet, I don't know how they were so fascinated with you. But they were. They absolutely adored you. They still do. Because you're their daughter, and they love you. Okay?"

She nodded. "Uncle Sebby?"

"What?"

"Why don't you have any kids?"

He snorted. "You're more than enough of a Rugrat for me, kid," he replied, ruffling her hair.

There was a cursory knock on his front door before it was flung open and he heard Kurt's shriek of, "Sophie!"

She looked at Sebastian worriedly and he nodded at her and helped her jump off the counter.

"We're in here," Sebastian called before Kurt popped a blood vessel.

He ran into the kitchen, Blaine hot on his heels, and they both looked wrecked. Blaine's hair was a mess, Kurt's tie was askew- Sebastian would have assumed they'd just come from a quickie in the car if it weren't for their frantic eyes finally settling on their daughter.

"Sophie, oh my god, you scared me half to death!" Kurt exclaimed, falling to his knees to squeeze her to his chest. Blaine joined him on the floor, stroking her hair tenderly.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"It's okay, sweetie," Blaine assured her, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Just don't ever, ever- Did you give her ice cream?" Kurt asked, snapping his gaze to Sebastian.

"She was crying, what the hell was I supposed to do?" he shrugged.

"Don't swear in front of our child! And why was she crying?" He turned back to Sophie, speaking softer. "Why were you crying, honey? What did Sebastian do?"

"I didn't do anything-" he cut in incredulously.

"It's okay," Sophie assured her Papa. "Uncle Sebby was nice. I was sad, but he cheered me up."

Kurt looked at Sebastian suspiciously. "What did you say to her?"

"Something nice," he replied with a sneer. "It's not me you should be yelling at. Try the bus driver who let a toddler on a bus by herself."

"You took a bus all by yourself?" Blaine asked worriedly.

"You took a bus all by yourself to get to _here_?" Kurt's eyebrows were so high they were nearly off his head.

"I didn't know where else to go," she said, looking at the floor.

"You didn't have to go anywhere," Kurt told her in bewilderment.

"She's not going anywhere, right Soph?" Sebastian asked, tapping the back of her shoe lightly with his socked foot.

She turned to grin up at him. "Right."

**-Another Seven Years Later-**

Sophie smoothed down her dress, looking around the perfectly decorated hall with satisfaction. Papa had put up a huge fuss when she'd first asked him to help her plan it, but she knew he couldn't resist an opportunity to play as a party planner. And this was one hell of a party.

Tomorrow of course would be bigger and brighter, and she absolutely couldn't wait.

"How's my favourite Rugrat doing?" An arm fell around her shoulders and she smiled up at her Uncle Seb.

"How are _you_ doing I think is the more pertinent question," she replied. "This is your wedding rehearsal."

"Where the hell do you get these words? Are you chewing on books again?" he teased.

"I actually do this fancy thing called _reading_," she replied dryly. "You should try it some time."

"I don't think I'll have much time for that," he said smugly. "The wedding's tomorrow, and then after that comes the honeymoon-"

"And you can stop there," she cut in, drawing away from his side. "Because I know that all you're going to be doing is scuba diving and tanning and-"

"Tying my new husband to the bed-"

"I'm fifteen! I am _fifteen_!" she shrieked, putting her hand over her ears.

He snorted. "Yeah, your poor virgin ears," he drawled with a roll of his eyes. "Where's the boyfriend?"

"Debating the merits of the new Star Wars versus the old with dad," she sighed. "Where's the future husband?"

A grin insisted on lighting up his face. He tipped his champagne flute to the direction in question. "Looks like he's giving Mike a run for his money on the dance floor. God, my man can _move_."

"Probably because he's ten years younger than you, old man," she quipped.

"Don't be such a smart ass. It's _eight_ years," he corrected, with a raised brow.

"Oh yes, such a difference." She rolled her eyes, but he was back to gazing at his fiancée with a look that she'd seen plenty of times on her parents' faces.

She still remembered when she was a kid, sitting in Uncle Seb's kitchen while he convinced her how much she meant to her parents. Through the years, she'd definitely noticed the same thing her uncle had; how intensely they loved.

Not everybody cared about things as hard as her Dad and Papa did. Her Uncle Seb sure didn't. His instinct for snark and rudeness almost always outweighed his small capacity for compassion.

But his soon-to-be husband brought it out in him, no matter how hard he tried to cover it up with sexual innuendos and smirks.

"Bas! Sebastian, come dance with me!" he called from where he was grinding against Brittany on the dance floor.

"Oh good, he's drunk," Uncle Seb said excitedly, handing his champagne flute off to Sophie. "He gets almost as handsy as your dad-"

"LA LA LA LA," she yelled, nearly dropping the champagne in her abject _horror_ at the subject.

He smirked as he went to join his fiancée. "Yeah, don't watch them too closely tomorrow. I know how much Blaine loves weddings."

"Wow, how happy am I that you're not gonna be in the country for two weeks?" she cried, watching him drape himself around the love of his life.

He smiled and laughed, eyes lighting up as they danced.

"What do you think you're doing with that, young lady?" her Papa asked with a raised brow, pointing to the champagne in her hand.

"Nothing," Sophie replied, setting it down. "Hey, can you make sure Dad doesn't drink too much tomorrow?"

"Um, I guess," he said, forehead crinkling. "Why?"

"No reason," she said quickly, averting her eyes as the hands of Uncle Seb's fiancée slid down to his ass.


End file.
